We have friends coming in town for New Year's so I wanted to go ahead and get this written. I can't believe tomorrow night will mark the end of another year. This year has been so many things. A lot of growth, a lot of new adventures and a lot of lessons. But as I sit here and reflect I realize how truly blessed we are. Kevin and I have grown so much closer this year. I have grown (or at least I like to think I have) as a mother. And my understanding of hurt in this world has definitely deepened.
Kevin and I started 2010 with his office under construction. We were anxious to get the doors open and begin a journey neither of us really knew what was in store. He has certainly learned way more than I have in the department of running a business. I have seen him excited, confident, humbled, frustrated and hopeful. His work ethic has shined this year as he continues on no matter what. He has had to make some very tough decisions. I saw his true colors as he wrestled with decisions that he knew would impact others but he put them before himself. There is still plenty to learn but he is dedicated to doing just that.
As a mom I have learned many lessons going from having an infant to a toddler. Ayda is a joy to have and has in many ways made parenting so far very easy. We have had our bouts with tantrums but in the end she says sorry and we move on. I have learned patience, forgiveness, and so much more. The lessons go on and on. But the biggest thing I have realized is how much of a joy and privilege it is to be at home with her. Our days are full of learning and fun. She brightens my days and her constant love for me no matter what is humbling. At the end of the day when she curls up in my lap to read books and sing, it doesn't matter what kind of day we had or how tired I am, it is all worth it. She makes it worth it.
This year has also taught me more about my passion in natural approaches to pregnancy, birth and thereafter. I love teaching Bradley classes and keeping up with the families as their babies are born. It has been a joy to educate couples on their choices in child birth. Though I have not been in nursing for over a year now, I feel like I am still able to use some of my nursing knowledge and experience to help these couples. There are days I miss the NICU but I feel so at peace with this direction I am going in. I'd like to get certified as a doula and do more of that once the kids are a little older. It is tough being on call for possibly 4 weeks with a little one. Not knowing when the phone will ring and I have to go. But I have loved being at the 2 births I attended this year!
In August my heart was broken to pieces at the loss of my nephew. My brother and SIL have been on an adoption journey for two years now. They finally received word of their son, Judah, in July. We were all so excited and though he was so far away, he was part of the family. And then a couple weeks later he went to be with Jesus. It was devastating to see the pain my brother and his family felt and also experience very real emotions within me. I have been to Africa. I have visited the orphanages, hospitals, towns. My heart broke for the people there but they were not family. Perhaps I put up a barrier when I was there to not let myself truly feel the poverty the people there live in daily. But poverty slapped me in the face on August 13 (my birthday) when Judah died. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind that had he been here in America, in the hospital where I used to work, he would be alive. He would be ok. But because he was in Africa with limited treatment options his life ended. It took me weeks to digest my emotions. Most of which I just dealt with on my own. I tucked them away and buried them and little by little let them come out. I feel as though if I ever have the opportunity to go back to Africa, I will have a completely different outlook on the entire trip. I wish my eyes had been opened more fully when I went previously. Judah changed a lot in the hearts of my entire family. Maybe that was his purpose. I look forward to seeing him in Heaven though and saying I am your Aunt and you were so loved even though we couldn't be there with him.
I also felt God teaching me about trust, patience, and faith this year. There were several times He has taught me that lesson. It seems every year I can some up the year with lessons on faith. perhaps I should focus this year on really truly trusting my God with things. Maybe that's why the lessons keep coming back...I'm just not getting it. But God is so patient and continues to use opportunities to teach me. And I am thankful.
As I reflect on 2010 so much comes to mind. What a year! We were busy, we had fun, we bonded as a family, we were humbled. I would not change one thing or one lesson we learned. I know it was all for God's glory that we went through the tough times and the joyful times. And as we approach 2011 in a couple days I feel like it is new start. To shed the regrets of this year and make plans to be better next year. In a few months our family will expand which is so very exciting but also a little nerve wracking for me. I feel like I have a good grasp on how to mother one child. What about two? When I am out numbered during the day while Kevin is at work. Kevin and I will go back to square one with a newborn. My sleepless nights, less time together alone. But then all the joys that come with another child. My heart is overflowing with love for this child already. I can't wait. Will we have a son or another daughter? And then the questions of what will Kevin's practice be like? Who will he be able to help get well? Will we be able to reach more people? What is our ministry in 2011? What direction are we going in as a family? Oh my goodness, the list could go on. And I stop because I know God sees the big picture. He knows what is in store for us. And we will trust Him each day. We will follow His direction, wherever that might be. I am excited to begin another year. And I know it will feel like a blink of an eye that I am sitting here again next year reflecting on 2011.
I pray you have a wonderful start to the new year! I am excited indeed!
